chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary

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Story=Cordelia\"

new story ...in the works....
hasn't even been re-read for mistakes by me... not even close to finished...
A Girl in the Corner
Ignore me.
“I don't understand
I have absolutely no self esteem
and I don’t trust anymore.
No one can be trusted.
Will they all turn against me? “

Help me.

”I am just a girl in the corner,
alone in her own miserable company.
And aching,
Deeply falling into despair.
Why do they love the bad people?”

Leave me.

”I want to be mean too,
may be then I will find love.
And may be then I will show them.
Will I hurt them somehow?”

Stop me.
.
”My dreams are gone...
they flew out the window.
And I feel the hate.
When can even get theses images out of my head?”

Remind me.

”I can’t handle anymore rejection.
I think that I will go to sleep.
And perhaps cry a bit more.
What makes my mind so full of thoughts?“

Take me.

“I find myself in the bathroom wiping off the tears.
I hear the voice only I can understand.
And I no longer hurt anymore.
When does the voice end?”

Lose me.

“The itsy bitsy spider crept down…
down came the rain and washed the spider...
And ring a round the rosy pocket full of…
Do we all fall down?”

Ignore me.

A melody played in the distance.
Walking the halls, all she could do was watch silently as the other students passed her, alike her they are heading to their next class but a difference that has her moving at a slow pace with a sad smile. She is alone. The other students all have at least one or two people conversing with them, or waving at them, or at least that was how it seemed to Cordelia. Cordy the one in the back, picked last, and the one who could fade away in the background without anyone around her caring. That was how she felt. At nineteen years old she was a senior about to graduate highschool and go to the great college. Ha! Cordy couldn’t think of anything worse than going into another mindless institution and having more things to learn shoved down her throat. But it was what her parents wanted and far be it for her to disappoint them again. She already didn’t fit in their popular valedictorian cheerleader catergory in fact they probably didn’t even have a category to put her in. She was just Cordy to them, a big disappointment.

The melody seemed to get louder, Cordy glanced up at the speaker system and muttered about the inept technology teachers in charge of the school music. Tripping slightly over her recently loose shoe strings Cordy bent down and quickly tied them together. Across the hall she could hear SaraAnn’s mocking ‘clumsy Cordys’
Ever since grade school Sara had had it in for her . Strange that they could never get along. Cordy couldn’t figure out if it was because Sara just hated her. Or if there was something underlying the mockery. Supposed grade school had never happened and they had never met, maybe cordy’s life would have been bareable.
Idly rubbing the tiny yellow rose on her silver locket she tried to hold the tears at bay. Nothing she did was ever enough for anyone, she wished that she could be in the book she had just started earlier. She was probably on page 19 and had fallen instantly in love with the main character Jaren already. He was a dashing young man who had recently lost his sister Cloie to Arlians, a race of maniacal aliens who despite the lengthy description in the book Cordy thought of em’ just as but ugly. Dropping her necklace back under her blue sweater she thought about that book ‘Crest of the Rose’ in her backpack and felt a surge of anticipation.
Still, moving she slowed down and reached behind her awkwardly unzipping her bag, she stretched her fingers and pulled out the book that was shoved between a chem. Notebook and that nasty thick algerbra book. Cordy rubbed her fingers gingerly over the cover feeling her heart tighten in that familiar pain. These books were her fantasy, without them she might have actually… NO! STOP! Cordy pictured her strong self snap chains around her weak self. That’s how she saw things in her mind. She envisioned in her minds eye a miniature version of herself that was perfectly emotionless grabbing the useless younger crying version of herself, who oddly enough wore her locket, and covering the weak ones eyes so she couldn’t see the memories. Anyway, With images, a game she use to play as a child and to this day she could keep the old painful away by ‘seeing’ the strong part of her stop them from replaying in her mind. Her mother had always told her she was too sensitive for her own good. Snapping out of her turtle pace she picked up her step anxious to get to study hall and read chapter two. Anything to get her away from her own dull reality. The speakers above her droned that melody louder, and Cordy wondered why they were playing such a strange melody. She hummed it a little bit to herself, ‘lu…

A slight pinprick of pain under her left arm snapped her out of her soft humming and rubbed the spot and felt around her left side for anything that could have caused it.
Suddenly the melody stopped and Cordy realized she was once again late for her class. Dammit! She’d worry about the thing poking her later. Picking up her step she did a fast walk trying not to run in case one of the guards monitoring the hallways, Mr.Pordek in particular who was another person who shared the antipathy towards her, saw her and gave her another Saturday school. Reaching room 560, God why did she ever want pick a study hall all the way in the Old Building on the FIFTH floor! Didn’t she figure that her class before this, being on the first floor New Building, would be too far a distance to cross in the span of fifteen minutes the way she walked?!
She inwardly groaned as her teached Mrs. Ingrid rolled her eyes as she walked in. ‘late again Cordelia?”
Cordy lowered her head and signed in, “I’m sorry it won’t happen again Ms. Ingrid”
“It better not or I’ll be calling your parents, Can’t believe you’re a senior! You’ve been late almost every day, Late to STUDY hall mind you,…’ Cordy stopped herself from rolling her eyes, instant ticket to the principal office and she struggled to keep down the words of protest in her mind… At least she had never missed a single day of CLASS! Unlike some students she could name.
Gah! Mrs. Ingrid had a personal vendetta against Cordy ever since that day Mrs. Ingrid had made a nice comment on the romance book Cordy had been reading , Of course, they had engaged in nice chitchat about authors they liked, Ingrid liked Nora Roberts, and etc.. While Cordy favored authors like Christine Feehan, Mary Janice Davidson, Nancy Cain, and etc… And then they had got into a discussion on paranormal vs. ‘proper’ romance books that eventually turned into an outright argument with other students staring wide-eyed at them and snickering with mirth. Imagine a teacher discussing a romance book with a student. HA! Mrs. Ingrid and Cordy had instantly brought their voices down to a whisper. And then brightly Cordy had decided to agree with Ingrid that romance authors should just stick to traditional romance and not all that paranormal futuristic blasphemy, CORDY could barely keep from groaning at her blatant lie. God this lady was full of herself.
Then Mrs. Ingrid had seemed to settle down and even smiled as she changed topic. “Do you have a boyfriend right now Cordelia?” It probably would have been all right if Mrs. Ingrid hadn’t asked that question in a smug tone as if to say’ as if she’d ever get anyone’ ,
Cordy might have been able to control her next snide remark, knowing full well from previous rumors that Mrs. Ingrid and her husband, whom just so happens to be the princible dammit!, barely tolerated each other and he was having an affair with Ms. White, something Cordy had overheard Mrs. Ingrid arguing with Mr. Ingrid about in the office where they had thought they were alone.. Cordy had opted to ask her how her love life was going…and how she and Ms. White were getting along. And all that, … And hell, if Mrs. Ingrid just about blew her lid as the saying goes, “Well, I never you disgraceful girl, you lack the manners a comman animal might have and …, ‘She stopped and spoke through gritted teeth, “Come out in the hall way with me young lady for a moment” Mrs. Ingrid turned around and walked stiffly out the door. Knowing full well that to not go would result in something Cordy didn’t want the other students to see, she followed her stomach going queasy. Cordy regretted ever opening her mouth.
Out in the hall, Mrs. Ingrid looked around and then glared straight at her. Her voice rose to a shrill level a sure indication of her anger, “You’ll never amount to anything! Always late, spending your time reading, I’ve heard the rumors about you and your obsession with these books, being sent to the counselors office time and time again for reading these books and not paying attention,” Mrs. Ingrid had laughed then, a loud piercing laugh like a vulture picking at Cordy’s skull. ‘Even the counselors think you live in your little fantasy land, think your away from the real world do you?! That you can get away with anything, well wake up! This is the real world, and it’s about time someone told you that you are a worthless nobody who is never going to amount to anything, blah…” About that time Cordy had started to chant her comfort words A.D.A.E. (Absence, distance, Analyze, Exist) to block out Mrs. Ingrid’s mocking words. Her words shouldn’t have made any difference to Cordy but the truth of the matter was that they had. They reminded her of the usual words her father said when he came home from work tired and wanted a ‘cold one now’ and would then proceed to remind her of how worthless she was… Never amount to anything… Never amount to anything… Absence distance analyze exist absence distance analyze. Exist… tears welled up behind her eyelids….absence…’

Mrs. Ingrid shook the bell loudly and Cordy’s shook her head jerkily shoving the memory away, “Are you paying attention?” “Now I have a mind to tell Mr. Pordek to keep an eye on you in the hall ways, Late! Since the beginning of this semester…” Ms. Ingrid leaned back in her chair, a very short stooped woman with an upturned nose and eyes that reminded Cordy of a circling vulture accessing her every move. She shook her little gold bell, Cordy hated that thing, and rung it, “okay class has started ‘Take a seat Cordelia and class start your silent work.”
Passing a window, Cordy moved over to the seat and felt the warmth of sunshine touch her skin, her eyes tingled as a slight breeze brushed across her face. Cordy rubbed her locket fingers feeling the gentle indentations where the rose was engraved. Clearing her thoughts, she massaged her temple slightly and shifted her blue glasses back in position. She opened the book and promptly felt the world start to slide away as she read the words….

Sliding the knife down the slim sturdy branch Jaren began to carve out a small flute for the little girl in the room next to him. The girl, Sandri, reminded him of Cloie, around the same age as cloie was before she … Oh well, that was almost ten years ago….

11:08 p.m. - 2004-10-24

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