chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pain drip drop drip drop... the rain patters against my windows.. i try to sleep but i cant seem to get my brain to follow my orders.. my heart hurts lately i just wish that i could take all the memories away. i feel them daily. i m so tired. why do i keep living? i just want to crawl up in a corner and cry and cry... and never face the world again alone. i miss him. so much it hurts. and it hurts knowing that he doesnt feel the same. i got myself drunk ... so god damn drunk that i had a panic attack... why is it that i can have a panic attack when all i wanted to do was just forget everything! jess and allie had to put me in the shower and pathetic me just cried and cried..... i had a total breakdown... sure the meds cause the alcolhol to do that but what about the fucking panic attack! it hurts.... i bared my soul to them both ... i couldnt help it... i felt like i couldnt take in anything i felt sick... god i liked that vodka though... it sure made me feel like the pain was gone... but i felt insane... why do i go through that!? what is wrong with me... lately i have had a lot of trouble sleeping... for a while i had to hold the phone to fall asleep just hoping he'd call and make me change my mind. i wish that he loved me enough. but no hes just a kid . still living with his mom not ready for a relationship. specially not one with me. i wanna scream at the world tell them its not fair! he should love me. but he doesnt ... whats wrong with me?> why cant i close my eyes without feeling this pain in my chest. sometimes i curl up at night holding my pillow and wish that it could take the ache from my heart... i try to forget him holding me... i try to forget his smile... and his eyes... i imagine a chain being wrapped around my heart protecting me from these memories... i did the right thing.. he wasnt ready.. . he didnt want that life i wanted for us. he has to live... i have to get over this but damn if i dont feel this pain... why why why fuck! fuck! i cant stand this... fuck fuck... it hurts... i wanna take the easy way out... i wish that i could forget it as easily as him. god this was my idea. but i knew ... i knew that he didnt love me enough to want me then. i wanted marriage commitment ... and he doesnt even have the courage to dis-obey his mom. i cant blame him. hes young... hell he will find someone else when hes ready.. but that doesnt stop me from being bitter. he fucking told me to forget him...! HOW EMMANUEL! how can i forget the first time we kissed... how can i forget the promises .. when you held me and told me you loved me... how can i forget that. and god if i can just take my heart out right now and stomp at and tell it fucking shut up! you piece of shit, heart i hope your fucking happy.. why cant i handle this? i wanted to die. i feel insane i want to die i want to die. i thought about jumping yesterday. it was 2 am and i walked over to the edge of the cliff and could have wept with longing to just flinging myself over the edge. how easy. please kill me. die me suicide. i hope one day we emmanuel is older... years from now... he'll remember me and regret letting me go... i would have changed my mind so easily if hed have just been there and .... wrapped his arms .... god dammit candice stop this...i can get through this... god the pain has made it more easy to just take that way out. suicide i mean... but i made a promise to allie. so ill stick around long enough. and then what the future holds god may only know. all right this has been me ranting out the pain in my chest. but shit.. i m not that weak that i would kill myself over a guy.. hell i d rather be covered in spiders than take that weak pathetic way out. i am too stubborn to let my pain get the best of me.. but i do wish i could just drink the pain away sometimes.. i ve tried hardening myself.. it is working slightly. i know that if there is any more pain... that i may break.. i m not that strong... but ill try to be.. i have responsiblities... honey... my family.. my fish and allie... and the apartment. i cant forget them and just take the easy way out... but hell wont even stop me from running ... and trust me as soon as this lease is up... im running... allie i love you best friends but... im going to do something drastic when the lease is up.. i m not going home. i dont know what ... but ill think of something... i just know that i have to get away from ohio. away from memories of him. obviously he can handle this...but i cant... i have to find myself again... i have to grow stronger... i wish i may i wish i might have this wish i wish tonight i wish that i...... -goodnight all -candice 10:05 p.m. - 2004-04-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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