chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A thought Boredom... Hmm It takes on new meaning... I guess that i just have to have a basic understanding of the concept of time to appreciate my circumstances. I started to clean my room today.. Yes I have made quite a lot of changes.. My rock garden looks cute.. My friends havent called me or if they have i havent heard anything about it... god... It seems like i am in a daze ,,,, just not completely with the picture... I feel like i am waiting for something to happen that would change my life... Or give me some hint as to what to do.. Im lost.. I am scared .. I mean really scared of graduation.. I dont know what to do.. Everything is uncertain ... What should i do> ? My life? what will happen... what will change... will i be alone? ... will my friends be there>? Then I have been haveing these little problems with my friends... Is already starting>? are we drifting apart? I picked up the phone to call someone today... actually about 19 minutes ago... And i realized that there was no one for me to call. I could not call steph... What would i say>? I could not call Christine... It just feels weird like we are both wary of each other. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to rub it in my face that she has something better than me... Or is it that i take it the wrong way.. And then there are times like now when we dont talk to each other for a while... She doesnt like my house.. I hate that.. I mean i go to her house and stuff and i dont act like i dont want to go.. Why does it seem that most of my friends dont like my house> ? i love it ... I mean it can be loud and frustrating but still it has a certain comfort and open atmosphere most of the time.. I wonder why they dont like it.. my mom says it s because they are only children or havent lived in a large houseful of people before.. and i guess that is true.. For rachel, and steph.. May be christine too.. I think Allie likes to be over my house but i m not sure... If you were wondering why i am talking so opening about this .. it is cause i am sort of thinking in my head and doing it this way helps me to understand my thoughts .. Plus I dont think many peeps will read my diary cause they i dont update... hmm ... Back to christine... She is my friend ... Most of the time... But now i dont know it just seems like she is hiding something from me or that she doesnt like me... Silly me> i know .. But i just get these vibes from her lately.. you know i can tell where i m not wanted... I cant tell if she is using me or not... That makes me uncertain and a little scared of getting to close.. The same goes for Steph... Except in her case I m afraid she only likes me cause of Allie and I dont like that at all.. Another thing waying on my mind is this whole depression thing ... gosh it is nt fun... And I wonder why i am distancing my self from others more lately... Like i m paronoid that there out to hurt me or something.. Silly me.. I keep thinking in my head about how many times i could have been more nicer to someone and may be we could be friends.. I think i dont trust people enough.. It looks like I only have one true friend .. But Sometimes i wonder if may be that will change .. And i am scared again.. Sad too... I dont want that at all.. I like having the idea that there is someone who understands or at least tries too.. I am so confused ... I dont like being unsure about things.. Like Rachel.. I wonder sometimes if she just tolerates me.. i dont know .. May be it is because when i talk to her sometime it is like she is only half way listening.. And she doesnt pay much attention to me when her other friends are around.. Thats ok Cause i dont really like her other friends.... I am sorry if that worry is true... it is sad.. We could be good friends... I wonder sometimes if it hurt christine and steph when i said i only have one best friend.. I know it would hurt me.. I think that may be the reason we are going further apart.. I just feel something off .. not right with them.. It s FAKE.. I KEEp thinking that>>> BUT what if i am wrong ... I am sorry i said that .. But i believe it to be true.. I really do ... And i pray to whatever is out there that it is.. Cause i think i need something to stay the same.. something to depend on.. YOu know... I am so scared.. I am so scared... life looks hard.. And i just want to pretend that it would be ok.. I dont want to make a mistake ... And i dont want to fail.. And and and I dont know what to do .... Where is my Sign??? Gosh what direction .. where is my path... why am i so afraid that everything i've thought of will be true.. That they are fake.. I am fake.. gosh i sometime s feel like life is fake.. Another things that bothers me is my sister.. Not in the way you are thinking but .. she just remind me so much of me that it is like a knife is being twisted deeper and deeper into my back ... I wonder if it is my fault for the way she is... she looked so sad to day... And i was so sad just looking at her And thinking about how i would feel... in her place... I do love my sister .. And i wont have anyone bad mouth her again.. That means everyone.. I will not have anyone including my friends talk about her.. ... I dont like it.. So i will tell Christine that and allie.. And if they dont like it to... TOUGh... They are not aloud to anymore... My thoughts are dwindling now.. i will probabaly come up with more things to say when i quit writing but for now... Its ok i am going to take a break ... Tears ______ The tears fall faster, Silently down my face. Should i brush them away? No, not yet, still hurts. The tears are empty now, Feelings no longer rage. So, should I brush them away? No, nothing has taken there place. ```````````````````````candice 10:13 p.m. - 2002-07-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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