chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the rest feel too much. I have too many thoughts.. constant worries naggy at me that wont go away.. I wish that I could just be alone. I mean truly alone just watching other people and not really having to leave with them just by them like on the outside of a window looking in. I think that you are probably having trouble understanding me again. All right here lets look at it from another angle. Pretend to be me. You are now seventeen years old . With a little voice in your head that you could say is only conscience but you know and figure it as being more or less a real bitch.. Anyway pretend that you are scared of being to close to people. Why ? just blame it on lack of closeness with parents, or inner child hood fears of being rejected, may be a friend who chose the wrong way without you, or perhaps your just plain afraid that if they touch you then they will be able to see some of your faults that you try to hide. *You know all those things that your constantly hearing thrown in your face by that little nagging voice in the head.* Remember that you are always scared of them. More because you are like them with all the same faults. The only comfort you can take in is from the fact that it is just human nature to judge people by there looks. Now try to imagine something you truly love to do and even the tiny little bit of pride you have tried to keep for it is being put to an unfavorable light. When somebody comes by and reads it or looks at it and judges it.. You don’t want them to do that because you like it and love it so much that if they were to not see what you feel then it would somehow hurt you. Because if they don’t see how good you feel it is . Then doesn’t that make you inferior.. like they are somehow right and your wrong.. It is kind of like they have made you feel stupid because of something you have treasured has been now made into some thing average or that needs to be fixed. Sorry if you are not following that very well.. so here let me try it this way. Pretend that you have written a poem that you feel is really good. But of course you don’t want others to say it is good because you’d like them to say it is good. And even though you really don’t want to show them you them anyway because you are just craving for that little attention or something positive that they would say about it , and somehow manage to put away that nagging voice telling you that you need to change it or you made a mistake or that it is not good enough and that they are really laughing at you inside. Then as you stand there watching them reading you feelings on that paper with the poem.. You wonder what they are thinking about .. are the seeing what you were feeling when you wrote it.. DO they see all your pain you keep hiding? Are they really reading it or are just glancing at it because they are being nice.. Sometimes you wish that you could just pound it into them to make them see and want to read it .. You want them to say “hey she s good, she is good” .. You are really scared inside .. Sometimes you wish that you can hide so that they don’t see the horror you feel as you imagine what they are thinking.. Why does it matter? Well call it lack of self esteem or something but you are compensating for the fact that you cant feel good about yourself because of that stupid voice.. This how I feel , This is what goes on in me.. THIS Is why I get so tongue tied in front of you.. THIs is why I cant remember.. I AM NOT STUPID.. NO I am .. I have to tell myself this so that I don’t cry . Because it is useless to waste tears On something so selfish. But I am selfish because I long for belonging and something else that I can not name.. So that makes me weak in my eyes. It is hard to describe it. I feel inferior to you all and that makes me sick. I hate that feeling. I sometimes just want to yell out that I am smarter than you . Just because I need to know that I am better. I need to prove to myself to that voice so that it would just shut up. I try to be better but then I fail . I fail so many times that I just want to give up. But I cant that voice wont let me.. Why does it condemn me to live the way I am but still taunt me with it s echo.. Why do I call it “IT” when I know that it is me. .There are so many guestions that I can not answer about me. Like for instance why cant I do homework at home. Why is it so hard for me to say that I am wrong. Is it because if my doing that I let the voice win? Do I let it know that I am a failure? Can my pride and stubborness handle any more failure? No . I sometimes think that I cant take anymore .. I will just go crazy . I wish to hell that I didn’t feel for others. I call myself selfish but then I am constantly thinking of others. Like if I do something would it hurt them>??? I guess I believe that you should DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU I wish that they did that.. May be I wouldn’t feel so scared around them.. I want to help everyone .. silly right? I know that they are all feeling so hurt and alone at times too and I just want to help it make it go away.. I sometimes think that I would do anything to help. Did ya know that I hate violence.. But then sometimes I crave it.. Like I need to read it or see it and that disgusts me.. I like guns ya know.. and knives.. a lot .. I wish I could practice shooting bottles.. . I wish for a lot of things. I told a friend of mine that If I could I would give her a star. And I even showed the star that I would give her. I told her to use that as her wishing star that it would be the star of your dreams. I foolishly believe sometimes that that is true.. I guess I would believe anything to make reality go away. My friend doesn’t believe in love. I wish for a chance to feel love. I don’t want to be empty I want to prove that that kind of love that I wish for does truly exist. My friend doesn’t want that. I do not understand how she can hate love.. I really don’t think she does I just think that she is too afraid of it and is just striking out against it .. cuz the hurting sucks when you lose love. I love my romance books. Why? Some call them “lovey dovy “ books, But I read them mainly for the happy ending and the illusion of being in their good happy lives.. I wish to be them sometimes just because they always find something concrete to hold onto in their life. Like a life line .. Something you can go and it would hold you tell you that life will be better and put your fears at bay. Sometimes I realise that it is all pretend and that is when I want to go to sleep. I want to shut down my mind and not think any more. I don’t understand how everyone can go on?!! How do you go on day after day… do you feel like me? No >? Why not! I don’t get it am I just different inferior somehow.. am I just faulty somewhere in my dna .. I have to say once again that I AM NOT STUPID.. I Believe that I am smart . I just have trouble around people because they don’t see me and therefore don’t see the intelligence in my eyes. I sometimes laugh inside at them because I know that I can be smart if I tried.. If all the stuff bothering me would go away then I would be able to truly show them. But now I am fooling myself again. I don’t know how smart I really am. I feel stupid for feeling the way I do. SO doesn’t that in essence make me what I think I am? Yes I believe it does. So you can see where my self esteem has lowered dramatically… Like I have any .. hahaha.. ok not funny but if your still reading this then you should know that I am merely Typing my thoughts .. I am just writing down every word in me and not stopping and rewriting things so don’t be mad or don’t take anything to seriously because I am going on impulse .. the moment kind of writing. Well, onto other things. I guess I should tell you that I have been having trouble with my meds. I guess that I am becoming immune to them or something because I am slowly deteriorating from what I had been before.. Ya know I am taking them for depression which I still believe to be a totally stupid and weak thing to have !! funny>?! Oh well , Yesterday I cried… It must have been relief to see a softer side.. blah blah yeah a song.. but it works.. I did cry yesterday a lot.. (CRYBABY) I yelled at my mother.. Practically told everyone I hated them.. Something to do with some bad problems we’ve been having at home.. Partly to do with my head hurting so much and my stomach hurting so much .. I cant eat .. sometimes it is like I feel like I will get sick just looking at the food. Then when I don’t take the meds I feel half starved .. but I still cant eat much.. A good thing ya know .. I am losin weight and it is making me feel better.. a little.. hee hee… :}well Anyway I was so mad at my mom (really at me for doing that) that I ran into my room and just grabbed something I liked a lot and broke it. I threw it with all my strength onto the floor .. I wanted to hurt myself somehow .. release all the pain I was feeling.. So I had just broken my chinese pot I had gotten for X-mas this year. I sat down slowly staring at the pieces.. Like I had no idea why I had just done that. I have never broke anything on purpose like that .. Let alone something I have liked and wanted and practically begged my parents to get for me. I felt sad. Really sad in a pity like way. Like I was numb to all the previous anger. Stunned so much that I just couldn’t cry anymore.. It was like I had went inside my head and all I wanted to do was to sleep. So I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on having the water just fall onto my face. I sat there and just watched it fall onto the tiles and stuff.. I just thought about how much it would hurt if I accidently”” slipped with that razor.. I kept wondering why I didn’t or couldn’t do something like that.. I kept thinking how stupid it really was like it was just something I had made up in my head and there really was no way to fix it.. The pot pieces are still in my room.. I haven’t yet went back in there to pick them up/.. I will soon but not tonight.. I just don’t want to look at them and think about why I did that again.. no not tonight. Well I have so much to say cant you tell… so much to work out in my head and I think just writing this down is helping me some how.. not much.. I still feel like it would be easy to go down stairs and take the car keys and just drive off a cliff .. Ok shutting up now no more stupid shit like that tonight.. umm well, I am going to stay something to a friend of mine .. if she is reading this… Steph, yeah I am mad at you.. how can I not be? But well I don’t feel much anger just kind of hurt that you could say your life was worse and because of what some stupid boyfriend stuff? I was mad at you because you were saying that and I kept thinking well MY grandma is getting her legs cut off and she is dying and my mom is really hurting and my dad and her are argueing about moving to alaska. .And then I kept thinking about why I take so many pills everyday.. and I wondered do you have to take this many pills> I was mad because I was somehow feeling angry towards myself for not .. I don’t know but I just was and then I kept thinking that may be your life was worse than mine.. and then I thought how unfair that would have been.. stupid shit ya know? I am not perfect obviously and I just don’t understand why you could say something like that. Do you not see how shitty my life is Just because I make it shitty doesn’t mean a thing I am taking meds to help me with that ? I mean come on you’ve read my entry so you can probably see a little into my head .. This is something that wont leave me ever.. I cant get rid of it.. The pills are not helping.. I don’t know what can.. I am always fighting.. So I don’t know what to tell you. I was hurt that you felt that way. I was mad too. Like I felt that you were just thinking of yourself but now I feel that you have that right to do that. Because wasn’t I doing that as well I mean we all have our down moments.. Hell I am having one right now.. OK well now I realize I am not that mad at you.. It is really just a stupid thing to be mad about..ok well talk later then.-cans Ok and this is to my cat. Dear Squirmy, Yeah so I forgot to feed ya sorry do it in the morning so stop scratching at the door to the computer room.. grr fine I am getting up … BACK FROM FEEDING THAT cat.. All right night everyone.. I hope That I have given you a lot to think about. All I ask is that all you read in this diary stays in this diary don’t talk about to me or to anyone else. It is only meant for you to read not to talk about. If you have any feelings at all u would know that by talking about it you are hurting me and that isnt very nice according to my nephew.. Well I would also have to kick you :P if you did even try to talk about this to me.. I honestly don’t want to talk about it. So just ponder it and then go to bed.. Hee hee night everyone.. Hope you wish on a star tonight.. and can ya make a wish for me>? Yeah I hope wish that I am going to some day make a lot of money.. ok well you decide what wish I should have.. greedy I am!!! Well night ..- ~~~~candy 1:00 a.m. - 2002-03-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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