chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A look at me The silver leaf was there when I came, Silently mocking me as if nothing has change’d All the empty hours of pain, Searching for the end of this stupid chain, “stupid= Insignificant, meaning less” Now, here it is for me to see. As if placed by chance or perhaps, a mere accident The glint of its silver lustrous edges, The curves that barely grace the sides, As if they were only minor to the more through(Sp?) outline. I see them all just as they are on a small little leaf. They are nothing to me anymore. Its just an ironic reminder of the past best forgotten, For I had once put such memories And dreams Into in to such a simple thing. Now empty, My head is just filled with the hollowness, A cynical type of taunting graces this kind of sorrow. Never shall I be able to fix this mangled treasure. Once the leaf had been on my ear, A long line of them placed together, Casting their illuminating shine upon me. On my ear did they dangle, A pretty earring it may have seem’d But I know Now empty They hold no more joy for me. For sorrow and pain dwell inside As I sit staring at this broken missing piece, That I had never really wanted to find. ****This is what meaningless words fill my head .. An insane jumble of thoughts clattering inside trying to wiggle there way out.. I feel so empty and numb sometimes to the meaning that I always am never seem to find .. Reading these poems remind me of my past and all the hope That I had held inside.. **** I have just told you what I was thinking about a minute ago when I had walked into this room and found a piece to an earring that I had thought lost forever. The earrings are long with dangling leaves off of it, I guess you probably have seen me where them sometimes .. Anyway I had just the other day found them broken.. and I was so hurt that I felt numb inside just staring at this broken jewlery .. They had been a gift to me that I had so preciously treasured.. My once friend in my youth , almost a sister except even closer to me in my once naive little mind.. It hurts to think of this ya know>!! Anyway , my friend had given them to me when I had told her how pretty they were .. I guess I was 10 or 12 or so at the time.. I was so surprised when she did because I think her mom had given them to her and knowing how hard a life she had, with no mom around anymore ..Now, I have made these earring a sort of treasured reminder of those times when I was so close to people.. I could really trust them and … I really miss being her friend.. It hurts remembering how we drifted apart and it hurts not being able to remember more times with her.. I guess you forget things when you get older or something.. I don’t know. Well off track again!!! Whenever I wear these earrings I feel really special again.. hard to tell you .. You know they make a jingling sound when you move your head I just love to listen to them… Silly stuff ya know?! Probably not… I would bet my life that you had no idea what I am trying to say.. Too sentimental for my own good. I would write this better but hell it is my journal so I will keep it all messed this way .. So you realise that you are reading what I am thinking in my head.. Kind of weird huh.. Right now I am thinking that I hate it when people read what I say and then not understand what I was trying to convey.. Of course I understand that they wouldn’t take what I had written the same way… Like I care.. I just want them to see and put them selves in my shoes … Honestly it seems that I am always trying to get people to understand me.. The more I try the harder it gets Like I can not say what is on my mind.. And when someone looks at me when I am trying to say something it just makes me blank out.. like when they look at me they are trying to judge me and I just cant handle having to deal with that.. I know I shouldn’t think that way.. But if you were to trade places with me , thoughts , feelings, memories, regrets .. all of it.. You would understand you would see .. the nervousness the shyness the scaredness…all that internal fear kept bottled up inside. I try to rationalize it in my mind.. I try to make sense so that I don’t go insane. -to be continued.. 12:55 a.m. - 2002-03-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||