chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sh*t Well if your still listening to me.... All i have to say is that i am tired.. Really tired.. and those pills are not working much.. just kind of making me sick and tired.. I cant get enough sleep and the sight of food either sickens me or makes me feel like i am starving.. Gosh this is quite a dilemma.. Does anyone know why i keep taking these things? anybody out there who can give me a reason to keep it up.. I mean if i just stop taking them then i would lose that little thing called hope and may be just end it all now and be done with it.. don t really think i had it in me .. But there is no telling what i will do when backed up so far in the corner like this.. I am thinking of running away and finding out who i am and what i want .. But that is just so greedily selfish isnt it? so then i have the option of staying and keep going but I cant .. Today proves it.. I bailed out of school sick.. I think it had more to do with the fact that i was overwhelmed by tears and had to get out of that hell hole.. I mean all i want to do is be able to live my life make lots of money and help my family.. I only want the money .. But icant do the work it is like my mind is rebelling against my goals. It has been my one true wish to be able to make sure my family live the way they should be living.. My parents have worked every god damn day of their life and I promised myself that i will see to it that they will never have to go bankrupt again.. and my sisters .. i want them to have a good life and not end up like my parents ... I want to set up an animal shelter so that i can help all the animals abandoned by their family.. As if i can repay the debt i owe lucky or Mitsy or even my own cat Squirmy.. I owe it to their memory to help other less fortunate souls.. But who am I to have such a stupid goal.. I dont deserve the money therefore my goal will not be accomplished because of my own self hatred.. i am purposely not doing my homework to hurt myself.. Is that any different from cutting my hands or arms.. i mean if i wanna end it why dont i just slash my wrists and be done with it? Can you tell me why>? What keeps me here? I am nothing nothing and as nothing i should not be here I should suffer.. I have always felt that i should suffer .. for every fault i have be it m inability to be anything more than average or my temper which without these pills would get out of control .. I think my biggest crime is that i have no courage and am basically a coward.. I can t fight the self pity and in the end eventually it will be my down fall.. So all i want to know is if any of you can help me? ha ha i thought not.. you wouldnt understand and consequently would not want to help. I will have to make a descion soon. To be gone due to my own selfish reasons and inability to handle life? or to stay and drag on this farce shameful way of life which just causes more unseen scars and neverending hatred. Yes i do hate. I once told myself that i would never sink my self to level to actually hate someone.. Although i could extremely dislike someone.. I could not hate because to hate someone it would be like you would want that person to die and feel relief in the end.. But once more I am a walking contradiction. Because i hate. I hate my faults. I hate my fear. I hate my lack of courage. I hate my unending worry. I hate my pity. I hate my lack of will to keep going. I hate my failure. And by these and many more reasons. I hate myself. damn, my mind is so twisted right now i dont know what to believe.. i dont know how to get over this.. and i dont know what to do. is it right for me to say "quits?" i am selfish in thinking that would be ok because in my heart i know it would be just saying i am a failure and as a coward cant go on. But if i do keep going .. Is that right for my soul> ? to torture myself with my own hate do i .. in the end.. bring about more dammage than any dying on my part could have done>? which option. is there an option. no choice either way. they are the same. to go on hating or to perhaps rest and find some balance. I honestly truly believe that who ever came up with the idea to create me .. made a mistake in my whole karma sense of balance thingy... I believe that they messed up somewhere and have left this two part shell of all the emotion .. and that for me to ever find any balance i have to find that thing which will keep me incenter.. yet is dying the answer/? is that giving up or is living the giving up way? i mean think about it either way i am dilluding myself to think my hatred would ever lessen. so to keep on going with this constant battle of wills .. surely i will lose my mind or jump off kilter like running away.. and all other shitty ass what ifs?!!! dammit ! i dont think there is any fucking answer.. and there is no way in hell that i will let this descion be decided by fate.. NO i will make a choice .. soon... this farce will end. i will be me completely without any pretense of goals or other shit. i will weigh my life against life itself and see if the balance is in the end. and i will not be fake. I dont want to do my homework. cause i do not want to suceed . That is selfish. I want to suceed to prove that i am not weak like i feel my parents were. That is selfish. But i want to have the power to repay my debts, That is in a way just honest not selfish because i do believe in all sincereity that i would just give most of the power to my loved ones .. i love that part of giving.. But then again i am selfish and i know that the choice would be hard to make. My head says no my says to just give them everything i have .. they deserve that and i nothing. for once more... I am nothing to anyoneand i am nothing to me. so like nothin i should just go away.. but dammit .. I wont do that !!! i am not a fucking idiot who would just wasted the chance to be able to stand outside and feel nature around you as being alive...I will not end my life just because of my hatred. NO i will go on in irony .. hating my self..but going on because of stubbornnes.. Hey can anybody else see that i ve been reading a lot of Inu Yasha .. I've almost read up to volume 16.. Ahh i love inu yasha.. that is my longing to live like that in a fantasy world where everything is beautiful and the dreams get realized in the end.. ahh.. shit i am crying agian... i am such a girl... well that is enough for this stupid entry.. I ask that all that read this just forget it.. And dont you dare even try to talk to me about it .. I dont want to know you read it.. Acutally i probably should just delete it.. It is just for me to whine about my pathetic existence for a while so dont you think you can change me.. just forget it and worry about your own damn problems. candice 12:33 a.m. - 2002-01-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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