chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THAT DAMN SKY Why? my grandmother. is dead. why cant i stop crying? someone tell me what to feel. god sucks. I feel sick. please... make me forget . i dont want to see her dead... and i just cant stop crying.. I think I said once that i dont like people hugging me... but right now i think i wouldnt care if anyone was to hug me... I just want to be held and told that it will stop... this empitness.. i never had someone die. have you. please tell me you under stand... I wish one of my friends were here i think i would actually break down in tears and ask them to let me cry on their shoulder.. oh god she is dead..i dont feel human. what am i supposed to feel? sad ... tired... sick... like i ccant get passed the sight of her lying there looking up at me and the smell of the hospital room and my dad waking me up cryin or kind of sad like he had been cryin.. and he told me.."you're grandmother is dead" What grandma?????? I dont know her... I dont ... and then i start to cry as i write this... I dont know her... she use to scare me when i was younger why cant i get that image of her with the tubes sticking out of face and the monitors and the death in the air and my dad holdin her hand... dammit .. this is so stupid.. i hate this. i want it to stop. i really want to talk gosh hey if any of my friends are reading this please call me.. i need someone to talk to.. i cant talk to my mom or dad they ... it just would hurt to much... and it is useless talking to my sisters and my cat doesnt give me any advice ... and dammit i will not talk to the dog peaches.. shed just bite me hand... fine .. and i need to cry ... and yell... and beat up a toy monkey... and just screamm... i wish i could go outside and yell at the sky... hey will someone yell at the sky with me... ok if i was going to this is what i would say, "WHY!!!! I dont get it.. You'are a stupid god if there is something like that! and you call yourself stars!@ hey here is a wish why now? why cant you have given my dad a break or me?? god dammit it isnt right.. they dont deserve this.. i dont.. i never got to remember something to make her real to me! i hate you i really do .. i mean what good is a god damn sparkling star when you dont get to wish How can i tell you my dreams when you go and do this fate sucks so dont give me that shit ahh i hate you .. make me please stop hurting stop letting me see her eyes as i saw her in the hopsital room on that bed... with the monitors beeping... she looked at me dammit and what was i to do... I had to get out of there! and it is all your fault you stupid dumb ass sky !!!! I never got to have a grandmother .. and hell you already killing of my papa and granny in alaska .. Damnit why couldnt you give me something to remember besides the pity i felt when i looked in her eyes.. Dammit my daddy was holdin her hand... and i couldnt feel anything but pity .. your stupid fault... all i want is to stop seein her looking back at me with the knowledge that i pitied her... she knew .. and i knew she knew... She probably remembered me when i was little but .. now she knows that i didnt remember her... i dont ... why you stupid sky... make me stop seeing her eyes... please?/ oh dammit fuck you!! and then I would probably kick a bunch of things and jump up in down and then sit down and cry... Hey i feel a little better just saying all that.. umm i wish i could still go outside and scream.. oh well .. going to a funeral tommorow .. going home to kentucky .... to the my family grave yard on that hill... in the valley .. where i was born... with the smell of rain.. i love that place... bye bye everyone.. i need to go cry again... love and tears candice :{ 12:27 a.m. - 2001-12-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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