chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My shit Well today Has been great!! NOt really but I can say it has.. Anyway I 've been shopping and got some great new clothes.. I am such a girl when it comes to shopping.. I got these cute little hair things and a black necklace.... Ok enough of that shit I am sorry if my cussing disturbs anyone. Yeah listening to the disturbed cd again.. Hmm I wonder if that means anything.. Well you must think I am crazy and I can I am sometimes.. I am not stupid. I do not prentend. I dont cry ( well NOt for this reason and Romance novels and movies dont count!!! :"} I am not dead. So why should I care? Why should I bother? I dont lie Well Yeah I do ABout everything almost daily So why does that matter>? Everyday I wake up Everyday I go to sleep so why should It bother me Goodbye I say and hear from those I love ANd yet I can not comprehend The reason for the extreme I live in this life and still I wish to leave I cry and cry but the pain still does not go away I am human and I exist for what ever reason I have yet to know One day it will be gone ..so now i have nothing to say ````Ok obvioulsy I just felt like freewriteing for a while.. and the above makes absolutely no sense But I was just kind of typing an thinking at the same time.. Hm I have a question for you all ? Am I cute or pretty sometimes? I mean do I disgust you all or something... Why is it that out of all the people I know .. I am the only one who reads romance books and fantasy or even see a psychiatrist (sp???? ) because they were worried I was getting to lost in my books that reality was escaping me.. And I quesss last year It was.. I dont know if you know how close I was to breaking down last year.. I mean who in the world cant do their homework after school or who couldn't remember how to say refrigerator.. Yeah That was me. Hopefully It won't happen again.. LAst year I went through some stuff and I hope I am a better person because of it.. I think the counsler I had once thought I was crazy because I I told him the problem I had .. It was basically that I couldnt concentrate on the little things happening or the everyday problems or worries one faces all the time.. I quess it started with a problem I couldnt overcome and then sort of grew until I couldnt get past the last issue.. It was kind of tearing me apart inside.. I remember that I told that counsler that it felt like I was slowly dying inside from the pressure in my head from all the things I couldn't handle.. I told them that when I didnt feel good that I would just read... and lose myself in that story... And i told him that I felt that I lost a part of my dream everytime I read my stories.. And it became almost an obsession to read these books.. They all had happy endings and their problems all worked out and I couldnt get past illusion the books would illustrate to me.. I wanted to be the heroine in that story.. I wanted to feel loved and needed .. I wanted to be special and I wanted to feel it I really wanted to be wonderful to another person perhaps be loved as well.. I wanted to have that happy ending.. I quess that that was my little dream .. but then I think I started to realize last year that I was handling anything and that I was reading so much that my parents practically told me I couldnt do it anymore.. But I wanted to so I made my self go to this counsler.. And when I told him that I felt like I was falling and didnt know how to get back up he put me on medication.. Why the hell am I on meds>>?? I am not crazy.. Its just that I had issues that i couldnt deal with .. like my weight and my responsibilities and the death of my cats and my room and school and my future or more importantly my lonely future.. So I couldn't do my homework when I got home.. I was practically a walking contradicition.. I wanted to be successful and I wanted to do it but I just couldnt... I was so wrappped up in my problems I didn't realize that I waas losing my sanity... I mean It was tough to get over this speech thingy I have gotten because I have read so much./. My mom says that I had trouble with remembering things because I read to much and couldnt concentrate.. i agree .. that is why I take these meds to keep my memory ... I remember that around christmas last year I put one of my books down and then I went into the next room .. Then when I came back to get my book and finish reading I couldnt remember where I put it.. I was so sick of not remembering things .. So i just sat down in the middle of the floor and cried.. I actually cried over something so stupid.. But Damn I really thought I was going crazy.. Anyway that s why i think my counslour thought I was crazy .. I dont see him anymore .. He thinks I should paint and express my feelings but I told him that I dont like talking about those feeling things.. ( See a walking contradiction I say i dont get that stuff but here i am writing it all done in one lump and I must say I feel a little better talking about how I felt last year) And I didnt want anyone to look to hard and quess How bad I really was .. I bet you that not even one of my friends really knew how close I came to ending it all.. I mean over the summer I was a little reckless.. i wanted to see how fast I could go driving .. and how close to the edge I could get and how many pills I could take before getting sick and yeah the list goes on.. But I wasnt really suicidal I was just daring the world and kind of trying to get it to make my thoughts stop..And even i have no idea what I am saying.. God ! I dont think there is one.. Di d you know that I got in an arguement with my parents and got so scared that I ran away to a friends house.. I really was mad.. I was so tired that day.. I finally told my mom one of my problems.. I told her that I couldnt remembered the last time she hugged me.. I mean my friends hug me sometimes but .. I never hug my family .. And I wanted her to hug me and i didnt want to at the same time.. I still cant let her or anyone else hug me because I just dont know how. Gosh it seems like I have been writing forever.. But It has been making me feel better so You really dont have to understand what the hell i am saying... It isnt really for you to understand..Just for me to talk about it.. I havent been able to tell anyone until now what was going on last year.. So now I have and will finish the rest of what happened.. Well I finally started takin the meds and dropped some of the problems I was having and then I ve been taking them ever since.. I still have the occassional need to read the "happy ever after " books but It isnt taking me away with their stories.. I am sort of dealing with my problems although I dont think i am handling school to well still.. I m not normal when coping with the little things .. I always want to cry at the sadness of it all or how unfair it is.. But I am not a coward well at least I tell myself that .. Anyway I am saying this because I have been having trouble with band.. I play the flute and it has been one of my goals for a long time to make it to Wind Ensemble.. but If I cant get the rythyms right I will never see that dream realized.. I think that rythyms are too much like Math and I just cant think of math when I play.. It is another one of those concentration thingys that i have trouble .. I believe it has something to do with my self esteem being so low.. I feel I am making a mistake and therefore make the mistake even if I try hard not to.. Also , in band I am the only one playing the piccolo and I wont get into the about of problem s I had last year with that issue.. but lets just say I am scared shitless Of making a mistake and being heard.. Ok so I think i have blabed so much that my hands are hurting but I cant help writing.. I mean it feels good to just type and not care what I say.. Hey And if any of you say anything about what I say on here i will personally kick you or beat the crap out of you.. I have never beat someone up but I have to start somewhere.. Actually After you read this I want you to forget everything I have said and dont even mention it to me ... I think you get my point.. OK well I dont think I will write anymore.. Ok so bye.. ttalk later -Candy ps~ sabriel Evanescent will write later 10:17 p.m. - 2001-11-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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