chibicandy01's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My thoughts Well ... do you want to know a secret? about me that I never have told anyone in my entire life ... Screw you this is my dairy so i still wont tell you but i will explain who and what i think i am.. My Name is Candice that much i bet you already kknow but you probably didnt know that my life is shit... More than shit cuz you really cant call it that .. It has no meaning and you know why it doesnt??? Its because I dont give it any meaning i just hid in my pitiful excuse for a shell and then cry my fucking eyes out at night trying to sleep but still hearing those stupid taunting voices... Candice you have to lose weight your to fat ... are you really hurting or are you just faking it .. Do they know what you are really thinking>>? I bet they do and they all are just using you because you know what cans you disgust them all you do and you know why because you cant even go through with it and you know what i am talking about you coward why do you just sit there and read those Fucking books all they have is just that perfect ending with that perfect guy and it all turns out just right but that aint ever going to happen and you know it thats why you just sit and stare and dream those little fantasys of yours beacuse your safe and they cant hurt you and you can dream your little thoughts all you want and no one will know how much you like them or how much you want to be held ... But you dont like to be touched do you>? when is the last time you let anyone hug you and not flinch why cant you let your mom hold you and why cant you let cassie give you a little kiss without getting that feeling inside??? you know the one i am talking about the feeling that your going to be sick if they touch you because you have to let down the hurt that you have built around you as a wall and let them get to close... But hey who would want to get close to someone like you.! I mean hey look at all those little things you keep inside like having to take a purple pill and a peach pill every day to make sure you dont get in the "bad attitude depression " again cus you dont want to go kill yourself candice... wait you do dont ya but your just to chicken to do it I mean everytime you hold that blade in your hand you just imagine the pain and the pain and then you think about all that hurt you would cause your family but do you think about all your friend I mean do you think that they will understand why and are they really your friends I mean god they cant even tell you their own probs and when they do that akward silence pops up cause you know you dont understand so why should they./ then there is those people you know the ones who go around acting like your friends but when you say something they just dont really see you do they they dont care about you they probably despise you the way you despise everyone and you dont you .. you blame them for your life and the thoughts you have inside... Ahh should they know about that other fear you know the one where you think your going crazy .. i mean forgeting and losing your memory is getting steadily worse isnt it but are you telling your pshchitrist these things??? no your not he thinks your doing fine he doesnt know that you listen to me these voices inside you that cant be realeased Why cant you go break something i can feel you wishing you can go outside and just scream and scream and break and pound on everything...What would it feel like to be kissed>>>/?? do you wonder that secretly as you fall alseep crying and feeling that deep setting ache in your chest like fate has decreed that you will never fell that emotion called love... nope your doomed to go through life with that ohh it could have been or happened but i failed like always thing Ahh you know your a depressed frreek falling deeper into isolation than anyone even Squirmy will ever know ,... Hey did you know that her Uncle is demented and crasy and lost his mind around age 16-18 is that what is happening to me?>?? why cant i win something i mean i try i really do and i keep trying over and over but i hear all the time like "I am sorry you were good but your rhythm is off so you dont make it into the better band" or i am sorry it could have been an A but I rather give it to all those smarter kids over there" Or my fav I 'm sorry but im doing something that day or when your trying to tell them something and they just turn around and talk to someone else instead I hate that you know i really do ... Rachel does it all the time and you know what Why the hel do I even bother to be her friend she has allo her little perfect friends around and doesnt need a screw up like me ...and what do i but just repeat to myself "if it doesn;t kill you it only makes you stronger " But hell did you know it kills a little of your dreams and you as it goes along each and every single fucking times... ````Ok so now that you know a little about what goes in my head everytime i stare into space or smile yes smile and everytime i get around in marching band or go to schooll I hate This world without laughter and the magick i read in books.. And I HATe it for its STUPID belief in GOD gOd I hate GOd and I hate everyone who believes in him I hate myself for hating I hate those who say i can do it because I AM FUCKIN average and I HATE that .. I hate hugs and I hate people touching me I hate my dreams I hate my friends and I hate life and I hate my room I HATE THOSE STUPID LITTLE PILLS i have to take every moring I HATe that i feel so much pain in but YES My but did you know i broke it and it didnt grow back right and when i sit i feel that little ache and hurts so bad sometimes that i just wannna cry and cry that it is not fair why me and why wont the pain go away ... and sometimes i beg to the moon and I make a wish to the stars but they wont let me become a vampire to live for eternity in my torment and have to suffer for what i think about when i am alone.. and why cant someone love I mean really love me and hold me ... Di d i tell you how badlyi want to be held... But i grew up being big and fat so i dont get held and i dont get the love that people forget to give me or wonder if i need ... And i am so selfish all the time so i hate myself fo r that and I hate i hate i hate Did you know that i killed a little baby before>???? it was all myfault that they died 3 years ago and do you know what ?? it is still eating at me inside that i was the one to stay up all night to watch as their last breath left their little bodies and IT was my fault if i hadnt have tube fed them they would still be alive but I didnt know they couldnt be tube fed because they were too young and wouldnt swallow and I did you know I can still see it in my mind the waitin for them to die and know ing their mommy way already dead and it was my fault and I can still smell it.... You know i have never told another soul this before no one has ever known that i was with them that whold endless night watching them try to take in air and crying...Oh you never how much baby kittens could cry when they were dying but i do and it still eats at me everytime i think i of it and everytime i hurt inside but this isnt the only thing ive done to deserve to die I mean if murdering 8 kittens isnt enough i could tell you more> Do you see how horrible i am and how much a coward i am for not ending my life .. I am a wiccan i believe in the nature What the hell does that mean I dont know and oplease dont ask me to explain it because i really fucking cant/// I have a crush on this guy in marching band that i have had a crush on for a long time why cant i look at him without seeing the disgust i know he will ahve when he know s of my feelings... why cant life jsut end me here and now I cant go on it hurts did you that it hurts everytime i look at others and their perfect little worlds like they dont have any FUCKYINg probs i know they do why cant they just tell me so i can understand that i am not so alone.. but i am alone and i will always be because if i cant accept my self how the hell can they accept me>? Do you know that i believe that killing a human is the same as killing any animal And that akilling an animal would be the same as killing a human they are both the dame violent act ... So i believe that if you ever harm an animal and i see i could literally beat the living shit out of you and it would be like killing a fly you know i really should go into the army because i could kill without a problem because i want to go to hell and feel the pain... I wish i could go to hell because anything is better than being alive and feeling my thoughts.. do you understand what i have said? -Candice Renae Williams "If i cant see you ya cant see me >} 12:10 a.m. - 2001-07-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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